Working Wife Helen, a marketing exec with Regards Rainbow
Over the last couple of months I’ve been banging on about how tough life is being stuck at home, cleaning and ironing and looking after three kids since my wife and I swapped roles following my redundancy last June.
Other housedads have shared their experience, but so far we haven’t heard from a Breadwinning Wife who slaves away in the office while her husband irons the paper doillies.
Step forward Helen Davis, 45, a marketing and PR executive at Regards Rainbow (www.regardsrainbow.wordpress.com) who for the last two years has been making ends meet after her 44-year-old fella lost his job in the construction industry.
Their situation is different to that of me and my wife’s in that they don’t have kids around the house all the time, but it’s still an interesting insight into the dynamics between a couple when the man becomes the homemaker through no fault of his own.
For the purpose of this interview, a ‘housedad’ is a man who doesn’t have a full-time paid job. Regardless of whether his wife works or not, his domain is the home, not the workplace.
To read the interview click Continue Reading tag….
Reluctant Housedad: So, Helen Davis, explain yourself.
HD: We’re a little different to the traditional family, my partner has kids (they are my step-children) so they’re not with us full-time. I work full-time in the toy industry in Marketing and PR – it’s quite full on! Hubby used to work in the construction industry but got made redundant about two years ago. He was the main bread winner (even though I worked full-time). Now I’m the main breadwinner.
RH: When did you swap roles?
HD: It just sort of naturally evolved, he was at home during the day after losing his job and began to do all the housey chores so we could spend more time together when I got home from work.
RH: How did it affect your relationship?
HD: In the most part, good! I’m not sure how I’d cope if he went back to work really. I can relax and work hard and not worry about the ironing!
RH: Is your partner a reluctant or willing housedad?
HD: As the two boys (age 9 and 15) are my partners children, he was naturally the main parental figure anyway, so that part comes naturally to him, he also rather enjoys cleaning (but that’s a secret LOL!)
RH: Tell us some great things about having a housedad to come home to?
HD: It’s nice to have no ironing, cleaning, washing etc to come home to. The house is so clean and tidy for me, much better than if I did it! We’ve had builders doing an extension for the last two months and he’s project managed all that, saving us money – and also cleaned the dust at the end of every day (well most days!!)
RH: And not-so-great things?
HD: Long hot summer days, when you come home and he says “I’ve been out and about today …” and I’ve been sat in the office all day. It can be easy to feel resentful, especially if you’ve had a bad day. It’s easy to think, “Well you’ve had an easy day” and be snappy and forget that you’re coming back to a nice tidy, clean home!
RH: What does he do better than you used to do?
HD: Hoovering and dusting. I tend to give the house a quick flick around with the duster but hubby moves all the furniture/ornaments/rugs to dust and Hoover. If I’m at home it drives me nuts!! So I have to be out at work!!
RH: And worse?
HD: Definitely cooking. He only has a limited repetoir of dishes (beans on toast mainly!!) He does try – bless him! But he can do a good traditional Sunday Lunch. The ironing gets done, if a little slower than I do it, he does marvel at my speed with the Russell Hobbs….and I cringe at how long he takes (but don’t moan honest!)
RH: Do you think a man’s place is in the home?
HD: I don’t think anyone can really comment in this day and age, we all just have to muck in and do the best for our families and households.
RH: Are you proud or embarrassed to have a housedad at home?
HD: Proud of him, but we do all make fun of him (in a good humoured way of course!) but friends will often bring him a duster or bottle of Cif
RH: Do you think society values parents – men or women – who stay at home to raise
children?
HD: I think whichever part of society you are in you feel society values someone else! I’m a No-Kids-Work-Full-Time woman and think society doesn’t value me as I’m not a proper mummy, but then a Stay-At-Home-Mum would feel society doesn’t value her because she doesn’t work. No win!
RH: How has your household income changed since you swapped roles?
HD: It has decreased as there is now only one wage, but we had plenty of savings so we’ve made some cutbacks but not lots. We don’t go on foreign holidays but we do own a boat on the River Nene for holidays.
RH: Would you be happy to stay at home if your husband could
support you?
HD: We are happy as we are, although I would love a little role reversal Not sure if I’d like to reverse the situation forever though….can I try it for six months???
RH: What’s your view on flexible working? If you and your partner could split children and earning 50:50 would you go for it?
HD: Definintely. I would love to work part-time and hubby could do the same – so we would both get the best of both worlds!
RH: What one piece of advice would you give to role-swap couples?
HD: Talk! ‘The grass is greener’ is the natural human condition.
When I come home from work I sometimes feel resentful that hubby has been home all day, but I forget all he’s done and just focus on the fact I’ve been stuck in an office all day. Alternatively when I get up at 7am and wake him up, he gets cranky. If we didn’t talk through who’s done what during the day and what each of us is bringing to the household we could easily get very cranky with one another and argue. So anytime you feel jealous of the other partner’s day/life – TALK! Get it out in the open – see the positives and negatives of both sides of the coin!
Chronicles of a Reluctant Housedad 
Helen has a supportive attitude to her hubby, but it must be tough for a construction guy to be out of work for two years. It’s hard to know from the interview if the hubby is reluctant or not. In a way, that’s the crucial issue, because there’s no problem being stay at home if one wants to, but there’s a growing problem when one would prefer to work.
Many men have had a “supportive attitude” to their wives staying home. But instead of being praised for it, they are told they are oppressors whose wives are in need of liberation. I would love to see a similar interview with a man talking about how much he loves the fact that his wife stays home. Any chance of that? Yeah, right!
It’s remarkable, not to mention hypocritical, how all the feminist objections and criticisms of the “stay at home role” seem to disappear when it’s the man staying home. What happened to the idea that the breadwinner-stay at home spouse model, is an outdated, 1950s anachronism that is not relevant to today? What happened to the cries for egalitarian, equal partner relationships where both have careers and both share household-child care equally? What happened to the objection that it is demeaning to not have an income of your own and to be in a position of dependency?
Pure hypocrisy.
Whoa, H. Belin, have you lost your bottle of chill-pills? I think that you will find there are plenty of men that are perfectly happy that their wives are staying at home to bring up the brood. Indeed, for many it’s an aspiration, even a status marker, with main barrier being income rather than gender politics.